Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
