If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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