Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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