my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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