Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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