I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
