Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
