I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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