I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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