Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
