My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
