haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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