I hate all girls vehemently.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
