Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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