OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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