all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
how do flat chested girls get laid?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
