Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
