Can i not drive my cunt home
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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