I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
