I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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