Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
