he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
we should paint friendship bongs
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
