Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She bit a glass in half.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
