I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
