Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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