There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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