My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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