Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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