I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize