Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
