i think i have two assholes
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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