I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
