you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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