Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We named our party play list daddy issues
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
