You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
