If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
