Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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