Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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