DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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