i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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