You just made me feel so damn special
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
