i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
