hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
