I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
