Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize