My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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