so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize