If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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