sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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