I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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