she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
