I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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