I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
