I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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